


Thirteen Lists

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Also George managed to work his ass in, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, John hates himself, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal John, Suicide, slow-burn, sucidal thoughts, tourette's
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-09-16 00:49:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 8,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9266396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: John Laurens is notorious in high school. For? Well, just about everything. Scaring the kindergarteners with his tics, his suicide attempt in the toilets.Alexander Hamilton is new. Notoriously non-notorious, John ignores his lack of knowledge about Tourette's. But Alex still somehow worms himself into John's daily life, whether it be therapy or mandatory discos.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW for mentions of self-harm, suicide, John being a self-destructive little shit. BTW, this is also posted on Wattpad with the same name.

[John Laurens, #00025392, weekly four hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th September 2016)

 

Friends:

nope 

Best Friend:

still nope

Support Network:

nope nope nope

What I like about life:

Going to bed and knowing that I could die whenever

Apparently that's inappropriate (fuck you Dr. Greenway) so...when I get to go home early from school because I've had an attack but they don't call my dad because they know he won't care so I can do whatever

Why I should live:

Because you say I have to

Why I shouldn't live:

Because I'm a fucking waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about 

What I like about myself:

The fact that I scare the elementary schoolers when I have an attack and/or swear in front of them

What I don't like about myself:

The fact I've got nobody because of the amazing combination of Tourette's and depression

People I look up to:

That kid who went to the other high school nearby and actually managed to kill himself and stay dead

What I want to do when I'm older:

Die

 

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, weekly three hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE SECOND LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th October 2016)

 

Friends:

nope 

Best Friend:

still nope

Support Network:

Non applicable, Doctor

What I like about life:

Nothing at all

Why I should live:

Because you say I have to

Why I shouldn't live:

Because I'm a fucking waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about 

What I like about myself:

Do I get to leave this blank?

What I don't like about myself:

Nobody likes me

People I look up to:

Alexander Hamilton, this new kid at school.

What I want to do when I'm older:

Work up the courage to talk to Alex

 

 

 

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, weekly two hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE THIRD LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th November 2016)

(Still don't know why I gotta do these.)

Friends:

Again, nope 

Best Friend:

still nope

Support Network:

nope nope nope

What I like about life:

Alex

Why I should live:

Alex

Why I shouldn't live:

Because I'm a waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about 

What I like about myself:

The fact that I scare the elementary schoolers when I have an attack and/or swear in front of them

What I don't like about myself:

The fact I've got nobody because of the amazing combination of Tourette's and depression

People I look up to:

Aleeeeeeeeeeeeeex.

What I want to do when I'm older:

Make friends with Alexander.

 

 

 

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, fortnightly two hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE FOURTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th December 2016)

 

Friends:

Alex? I hope so.

Best Friend:

still nope

Support Network:

nope nope nope

What I like about life:

Alex FUCKING Hamilton, get it in your head, for fuck's sake.

Why I should live:

A L E X A N D E R

Why I shouldn't live:

Because I'm still a fucking waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about 

What I like about myself:

I can make Alex smile

What I don't like about myself:

Tourette's and depression

People I look up to:

I think you're the one that needs help if you don't understand that it's Alex

What I want to do when I'm older:

Still Alex

 

 

 

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, daily two-and-a-half-hour crisis sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE FIFTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th January 2017)

Friends:

I had Alex

Best Friend:

still nope

Support Network:

Again, nope nope nope

What I like about life:

Nothing

Why I should live:

No reason

Why I shouldn't live:

Because I'm a fucking waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about (Even Alex moved away without telling me, come on.)

What I like about myself:

Nothing

What I don't like about myself:

The fact I probably was the reason he moved

People I look up to:

Anyone who ever killed themselves

What I want to do when I'm older:

Jump off a roof, but I actually want to do that now btw

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, one and a half hour sessions on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, Dr. Greenway.]

THE SIXTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th February 2017)

Friends:

Alex

Best Friend: Only friend I've ever had and ever will have, the most amazing human in the universe who I don't deserve:

Alex

Support Network:

Alex

What I like about life:

Alex

Why I should live:

Because Alex came back for me, which means he likes me

Why I shouldn't live:

Because I'm a fucking waste of oxygen 

What I like about myself:

I can make Alexander smile

Alex likes me

I make Alex happy

What I don't like about myself:

Coprolalia and tics, and depression.

People I look up to:

Greenway, get real, there's nobody but Alex

What I want to do when I'm older:

Alex

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, weekly three hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE SEVENTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th March 2017)

Friends:

Alex

Best Friend: Only friend I've ever had and ever will have, the most amazing human in the universe who I don't deserve:

Alex

(Here's my own category. Don't get butthurt, be happy I still fill out this shit.)

Romantic interest, possibly requited, most likely not;

Alexander Hamilton    

Support Network:

Alex, possibly you if he's asleep.

What I like about life:

Alex

Why I should live:

Because I need to plan for homecoming next year, because I'm asking Alex. (It has to be perfect for him.)

Why I shouldn't live:

Because I dump all my problems on Alex and he doesn't need that

What I like about myself:

Nothing much

What I don't like about myself:

Me 

People I look up to:

Greenway, get real, there's nobody but Alex

What I want to do when I'm older:

I am going to do Alex

 

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, daily three-hour crisis sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE EIGHTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th April 2017)

Friends:

Nope

Best Friend: Used-to-be best friend

Alex

Support Network:

Nobody

What I like about life:

Alex

Why I should live:

I shouldn't

Why I shouldn't live:

Because I'm a fucking despicable human that pushes away and hurts everyone

What I like about myself:

Nothing 

What I don't like about myself:

I hurt Alex

People I look up to:

Honestly, you're boring me now. I look up to Alexander.

What I want to do when I'm older:

Marry Alex 

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, drop-in sessions that must total fifteen hours a week, Dr. Greenway.]

THE NINTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th May 2017)

Friends:

Alexander

Best Friend: Only friend I've ever had, the most amazing human in the universe who I don't deserve, yet he still forgave me:

Alex

Support Network:

Alex.

What I like about life:

The way Alex looks down all shy when he smiles, the way he laughs really loud before suddenly holding himself back, the way his hair is always so fluffy and messed up, even if he brushes it. How he's so quiet but can and in fact did beat up bullies for me. How he licks his lips when he's nervous. That time we fell asleep whilst doing homework on my bed and ended up spooning, and he woke up before me but still didn't move away. (This turned into what I like about Alex.)

Why I should live:

To ask Alex on a date.

Why I shouldn't live:

Because I don't help myself

What I like about myself:

Nothing 

What I don't like about myself:

Everything

People I look up to:

Who do you think, honestly?

What I want to do when I'm older:

Live with Alex

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, daily three-hour crisis sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE TENTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th June 2017)

Friends:

nobody

Best Friend:

still nobody

Support Network:

Again, nobody on this planet supports me

What I like about life:

The possibility of dying

Why I should live:

There is literally no fucking reason as to why I should stay on this earth, even my diagnosis was wrong. I can't get anything right.

Why I shouldn't live:

Because I'm a fucking waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about, not even Alexander

What I like about myself:

Nothing

What I don't like about myself:

I can't do anything right

People I look up to:

Anyone who ever killed themselves

What I want to do when I'm older:

I'm older than yesterday, so, kill myself.

 

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, daily three-hour crisis sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE ELEVENTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th July 2017)

Friends:

Hey, guess what? nobody

Best Friend:

Same as above

Support Network:

Same as the above and the one above that

What I like about life:

Nothing

Why I should live:

Because I'm not depressed but bipolar, and apparently that means I should feel better soon? 

Why I shouldn't live:

I use valuable oxygen that some normal person could have

What I like about myself:

Nothing

What I don't like about myself:

All of me

People I look up to:

nobody

What I want to do when I'm older:

Slit my throat and bleed out

 

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, weekly two hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE TWELFTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th August 2017)

Friends:

Alex

Best Friend:

Alex

NEW CATEGORY BY ME

Boyfriend:

Alex

Support Network:

Alex

What I like about life:

The way Alexander tells me he loves me, the way he gets all flustered before asking for a kiss, the way his hair is always so fluffy and messed up, even if he brushes it, AND HE LETS ME PLAY WITH IT. How he's so nice about my tics. How he answers whenever I call him, everytime. How he kept me alive without knowing it.

Why I should live:

Alex loves me

Why I shouldn't live:

Alex left twice because of me.

What I like about myself:

Nothing

What I don't like about myself:

I hurt people close to me.

People I look up to:

Alexander Hamilton

What I want to do when I'm older:

Get better for him

 

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, monthly two hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE THIRTEENTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th September 2017)

Friends:

 

Best Friend:

Alex

NEW CATEGORY BY ME

Boyfriend:

Alex

Support Network:

Alex

What I like about life:

This is the last month I have to do a list?

Alex also sums it all up.

Why I should live:

Alex loves me

Why I shouldn't live:

I...actually don't have any reasons.

What I like about myself:

Nothing

What I don't like about myself:

I hurt people close to me.

People I look up to:

Alexander Hamilton

What I want to do when I'm older:

Live properly, stay with Alex.


	2. Ch.2- September

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> September, and school starts up again. John hates himself from the get go, but that isn't new. Alexander joins. John hates Alexander

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: actual self harm. There's blood and swearing and shit in this one so...beware.

September. Who didn't love seeing their friends after vacation?

Not John Laurens. September was going back to stress, and bullying, leading to more tic attacks, and more suicidal thoughts, therefore more therapy, and so more bullying. It was a constant cycle.

Cut to the first day of school. Homeroom with...whatever his name was. John barely had himself in control, he was twitching, and jerking, and being him more than usual.

"Twitch, shut up!" was the first thing he heard. How eloquent. John wasn't surprised. That nickname had stuck since he was ten. He was fed up with it, fed up with life. How he wanted to die right now. There were approximately ten items in the room he could hurt himself with. He was sat right at the front, nobody else near him. John scooted forward, reaching for the scissors. He almost had them in his grasp until the door swung open. Bullshit.

"We have a new student joining us. This is Alexander Hamilton."

John didn't care. He lunged for the scissors again, and grabbed them when nobody was looking. Alex looked kind of startled when John had an attack, and got to leave the room. Yeah, this guy really wasn't interesting, or educated enough about common disorders. He re-joined the class when he'd calmed down, scissors still tucked up his sleeve. He sat down and dug the blade into his wrist, deep.

"I'm bleeding." John announced. He then proceeded to pack away his stuff, drip a little blood as he jerked, and walk out. He was going home. Or...well, therapy was in two hours. He'd clean up, grab some food, then go to therapy. 

-_-_-_-

[John Laurens, #00025392, weekly four hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th September 2016)

 

Friends:

nope 

Best Friend:

still nope

Support Network:

nope nope nope

What I like about life:

Going to bed and knowing that I could die whenever

Apparently that's inappropriate (fuck you Dr. Greenway) so...when I get to go home early from school because I've had an attack but they don't call my dad because they know he won't care so I can do whatever

Why I should live:

Because you say I have to

Why I shouldn't live:

Because I'm a fucking waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about 

What I like about myself:

The fact that I scare the elementary schoolers when I have an attack and/or swear in front of them

What I don't like about myself:

The fact I've got nobody because of the amazing combination of Tourette's and depression

People I look up to:

That kid who went to the other high school nearby and actually managed to kill himself and stay dead

What I want to do when I'm older:

Die

-_-_-_-

Alex looked scared when John arrived back in class that afternoon. He couldn't blame the guy...well, actually he wasn't that bad looking. Cute, almost.

Nope, John, shut up, he thought. You'll only hurt him.

John ignored Alexander Hamilton all month.


	3. Ch.3- October

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to post this now as I've had such a good response already! Thank you guys!

October. Joys of mandatory Halloween dances where you played on a Nintendo Wii and drank punch that was almost always spiked with cheap beer.  
“Twitch, what’re you gonna be for Halloween? Heroes are ruled out, because, they’re not suicidal. And they’ve gotta be stealthy. How about Joker, but, like, twenty times more crazy? You belong in Arkham Asylum, I don’t think it’s fair we’ve got some psycho in our scho-ow, what the fuck?!”  
John didn’t listen to Thomas Jefferson all that much, but he did turn around when he cried out in pain. Alex was stood smirking in front of the bully, and looked almost angry. Thomas was clutching his crotch.  
Alexander Hamilton just kicked Thomas Jefferson in the balls. What the fuck-a-duck?  
The dark-haired teen sat down again, not sparing a glance to John. Maybe he could allow himself to think Alex was cute a little more often. And also that was pretty amazing. So more than cute.  
“Psycho...the hell does he think he’s doing? Stupid idiots thinking they own the place. Think they can do whatever they want…” he caught a bit of Alex’s muttering, and it was also rather cute. Damn, he was in deep. The list would be changed this month.

_-_-_-  


[John Laurens, #00025392, weekly three hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]  
THE SECOND LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th October 2016)  
Friends:  
nope  
Best Friend:  
still nope  
Support Network:  
Non applicable, Doctor  
What I like about life:  
Nothing at all  
Why I should live:  
Because you say I have to  
Why I shouldn’t live:  
Because I’m a fucking waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about   
What I like about myself:  
Do I get to leave this blank?  
What I don’t like about myself:  
Nobody likes me  
People I look up to:  
Alexander Hamilton, this new kid at school.  
What I want to do when I’m older:  
Work up the courage to talk to Alex  
-_-_-_-  
John first talked to Alex at the Halloween dance. From experience, he always brought water with him. Alcohol didn’t mix well with him unless it was an OD. He offered Alex a bottle of water and they got talking. It was as simple as that.  
“Why’d you cut yourself?”  
Well, Alex got straight down to business. It saved time, at least.  
“’Cause I wanna die, Alex.” Two twitches of the head. “I’ve tried so ma-“ tongue click and a shoulder jerk, “-ny times. I can’t fucking die.”  
“Why on earth would you want to die?” Alex looked sad at John’s admission.  
“It’s not your fault.”  
“There’s so many things to live for. There’s…hot cocoa in October, for example. Ben and Jerry’s Pumpkin Cheesecake ice cream. That’s really good. Pokémon games. Jumping in leaf piles. Well, for me, going back to Nevis….” He trailed off.  
October 29th was the first time they spoke. It was also the time Alex helped John calm himself down through a large tic attack, and a breakdown in the hall. They never spoke of it again, ever.


	4. Ch.4- November

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! This story hasn't even been up for 24 hours and already over 150 reads! Thank you all so much for your feedback, if there's anything you'd like adding then just comment!

Even in November, they didn’t speak. But John was fixated on Alex. His little quirks. Not to be a stalker, but he noticed the little things.

How Alex brought a travel mug to school, and wrapped his hands around it in the middle of class. He got an explanation of that one eventually- he was constantly cold. Nevis had always been warmer. 

How he chewed on the corner of his lip whilst he thought.

How he didn’t laugh at John’s tics, but instead laughed when the teachers got annoyed.

How he ran a hand through his hair when he was embarrassed, or stressed, and looked even more embarrassed when he saw it looked messy.

John liked messy hair. Well, he decided that he did now, anyway. He decided he had a thing for dark-haired, quiet, intelligent, dick-kicking guys who liked travel mugs and living.  
-_-_-_-  
[John Laurens, #00025392, weekly two hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE THIRD LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th November 2016)  
(Still don’t know why I gotta do these.)

Friends:  
Again, nope 

Best Friend:  
still nope

Support Network:  
nope nope nope

What I like about life:  
Alex

Why I should live:  
Alex

Why I shouldn’t live:  
Because I’m a waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about  


What I like about myself:  
The fact that I scare the elementary schoolers when I have an attack and/or swear in front of them

What I don’t like about myself:  
The fact I’ve got nobody because of the amazing combination of Tourette’s and depression

People I look up to:  
Aleeeeeeeeeeeeeeex. 

What I want to do when I’m older:  
Make friends with Alexander.  
-_-_-_-

“I think-fuck!” John barked out, jerking his chin to meet his shoulder. “What you did to Thomas. And at Halloween. It was cool.”

Alex ran a hand through his hair. John really wanted to do that. He couldn’t just ask though, that’d be weird. He was weird enough as it was, he didn’t need any help.

“I…thank you. Thanks a lot. I was just helping a friend out. I’m sure anyone would’ve done it.” Alex blushed. He freaking blushed! John could have fainted there and then…or kissed him. He was pretty cute, and blush made anyone instantly cuter. Especially Alexander Hamilton.

“We’re friends, then?” John asked cautiously. He wouldn't mention that nobody would help him. He went a little haywire, hands flicking and head jerking even more because of the nerves.  
“Yes, of course we are.”  
That? Well, that even made John blush. He held out a pinky finger slowly, gritting his teeth to try and not tic for a little moment. When Alex’s finger linked with his, he grinned wide, and he couldn’t wait for next month’s list: he’d finally be able to have a friend down.  
Alexander Hamilton. World’s cutest human, and John Laurens’ friend.


	5. Ch.5- December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the calm before the storm...aka next chapter is a bitch!!!!! It's wild!!! This one is nice and adorable though so please read it, and thanks for so many reads and feedback already! It was published on here six hours after on Wattpad, and as of this moment, this one has 288 reads. On Wattpad? 6.

“Hey, John, I know it’s only the start of December, but still. I, uh, got you a present. I’d probably forget if I didn’t give it to you now, so yeah.”

  
John looked a little wide-eyed, staring at the present, then Alexander. “I…”

  
“You don’t have to have it. It’s fine…stupid, actually. I’ll just leave- “

  
“No! No, don’t. Alex, no, it’s. That’s amazing. I’ve never actually gotten a present before. You’re sure it’s for me?” John turned bright red, raising an eyebrow in question and looking rather sheepish.

  
The only response he got was the present being pushed into his hands even more forcefully.

  
“Okay, okay.” He laughed, and so did Alex. God, how John loved that laugh. “So, Mr. Hamilton, are you gonna miss me over vacation?”

  
“Of course I am, Mr. Laurens. You know I’m going to miss you.” Alex seemed sad about something, somehow. He wasn’t going to ask why though. Joh felt better, felt happier. He was making plans and getting out of bed each day with a smile and barely hurting himself anymore.

  
“I’ll miss you too. But we see each other pretty soon, of course. How could I survive not seeing my darling Alexander every day?” John teased lightly. He wrapped an arm around Alex’s shoulders amicably, hugging him tight.

  
“Yeah. Pretty soon…” he trailed off, running a hand through his hair.

  
Soon after, John would realize there was something up. (He wasn’t an idiot, after all.) But he didn’t then, he didn’t know anything but Alexander and his smile.

  
-_-_-_-

  
[John Laurens, #00025392, fortnightly two hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

  
THE FOURTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th December 2016)

Friends:  
Alex? I hope so.

  
Best Friend:  
still nope

  
Support Network:  
nope nope nope

  
What I like about life:  
Alex FUCKING Hamilton, get it in your head, for fuck’s sake.

  
Why I should live:  
A L E X A N D E R

  
Why I shouldn’t live:  
Because I’m still a fucking waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about 

  
What I like about myself:  
I can make Alex smile

  
What I don’t like about myself:  
Tourette’s and depression

  
People I look up to:  
I think you’re the one that needs help if you don’t understand that it’s Alex

  
What I want to do when I’m older:  
Still Alex

  
-_-_-_-

  
John saved it until Christmas Day, he really did. It was hidden under his bed where his dad couldn’t find it, alongside some lewd magazines and cigarettes. Honestly, he used his phone calendar to remind him how many days it was. (Maybe those pesky apps you couldn’t delete helped do something other than take up memory, wow.) He opened it as soon as he woke up, hiding himself away and not leaving his room until he’d seen it so many times.

  
How. Was. Alexander. So. Damn. Thoughtful?

  
A journal. He thought it’d be empty at first. Boy, it sure wasn’t. Spur-of-the-moment pictures; stealthy snapshots and even a couple precise drawings of John. Seemed a little narcissistic until he’d read the note.

  
“My dear Laurens. I know you don’t like who you are, and you want to die. But I don’t want you to. If we ever can’t talk, or I’m not close by: look through this and know that this is how I see you. This is how I see you every day, with eyes full of awe and affection. You’re so much more than diagnoses and tics, I promise.”

  
They definitely were not tears running down onto his bed, thank you very much.

 


	6. Ch.6- January

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 300 reads oh my groffsauce. Sometimes I'm a comprehensible writer and other times I just splat and hope autocorrect has my back. Thank you for reading!! Also, this chapter is hella badddd. TW for self-harm mentions, suicide mentions, substance abuse, and blood.

January actually excited John. He normally hated returning to school and everyone showing their damn presents off. He turned up on the first day, hair tied back and with a present for Alex.

  
Alex didn't turn up on the first day. Maybe he was just sick. But three weeks passed and his Alex wasn't back.

  
John never realized how much vibrancy and color Alex brought into his life until he was gone. Gone, poof, vanished without a word, or a call, or a fucking text message. Nothing at all. When life finally went to plan, the foundation and everything keeping him together just left.

  
January dragged on forever without his Alexander, his Alex, his word nerd, his best friend, his only friend. January also became the month that held John’s record of most attempts in a month. Not a surprise.

  
Sixteen. Like an addict, he talked himself out of hospital early only to end up there a couple days later. Henry Laurens’ influence finally helped with something other than fucking life up. His dad couldn’t have the news of his perfect family’s perfect son in hospital now, could he?

  
The journal got burnt. Only one photo was saved. An impromptu selfie John hadn’t known they were taking. He ripped Alex out, like in real life, and shoved his half in a desk drawer. He got rid of all the projects they’d worked on together; all the plans they made; everything.

  
His room was a mess afterwards, destroyed projects and half-ideas everywhere, scribbles across all the notes he’d thought about keeping. Ashes on the floor, burn marks; rusty razors; blood; empty vodka bottles; baggies of weed and every other drug he could find.

  
It was definitely his fault Alex left. John always made every mistake possible. Including letting the cute genius get too close

  
-_-_-_-

  
[John Laurens, #00025392, daily two-and-a-half-hour crisis sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

  
THE FIFTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th January 2017)

  
Friends:  
I had Alex

  
Best Friend:  
still nope

  
Support Network:  
Again, nope nope nope

  
What I like about life:  
Nothing

  
Why I should live:  
No reason

  
Why I shouldn’t live:  
Because I’m a fucking waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about (Even Alex moved away without telling me, come on.)

  
What I like about myself:  
Nothing

  
What I don’t like about myself:  
The fact I probably was the reason he moved

  
People I look up to:  
Anyone who ever killed themselves

  
What I want to do when I’m older:  
Jump off a roof, but I actually want to do that now btw  
   
-_-_-_- 

  
A psychiatric crisis. Joy. Taken out of school, kept in a ‘special’ ward, and upped to 2.5 hour sessions a day with Dr. Greenway. More scars started to litter John’s body, he didn’t sleep, eat, drink. Not because he didn’t want to: he just didn’t see the point of it; of anything anymore.

  
“Why do you feel you’re the reason Mr. Hamilton moved away?” Dr. G asked.

  
John scoffed, twitching his lips and jerking his neck a little. “Why wouldn’t I fucking be? Well timed tic, for once, I didn’t mean to say fucking. It fits.”

  
The doctor scoffed a little, and John scoffed back, wondering how judgemental all of them were. Every one he’d ever visited. He didn’t care, God knows how much he judged them back.

 

 


	7. Ch.7- February

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 400 reads?! Wow! Thanks so much for your feedback, and for actually not dying at my word splurges? <3

Valentine’s Day was one of the one holidays John hated with a burning passion. It just increased his level of disgust for school and everyone in it. People making out in homeroom. On his desk, no less. John shoved them off of it, taking a seat and scratching another tally mark into his desk. Exactly two months without Alex. Fuck. His. Life.

Then the teacher came in when John briefly glanced up, followed by someone else. He didn't really care.

“Mr. Hamilton, did you enjoy your visit home?”  
-_-_-_-

[John Laurens, #00025392, one and a half hour sessions on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, Dr. Greenway.]  
THE SIXTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th February 2017)  
Friends:  
Alex  
Best Friend: Only friend I’ve ever had and ever will have, the most amazing human in the universe who I don’t deserve:  
Alex  
Support Network:  
Alex  
What I like about life:  
Alex  
Why I should live:  
Because Alex came back for me, which means he likes me  
Why I shouldn’t live:  
Because I’m a fucking waste of oxygen   
What I like about myself:  
I can make Alexander smile  
Alex likes me  
I make Alex happy  
What I don’t like about myself:  
Coprolalia and tics, and depression.  
People I look up to:  
Okay, let’s be honest here. Aaaaand there’s nobody but Alex  
What I want to do when I’m older:  
Alex  
-_-_-_-

Remember how those weren’t tears on John’s bed? Well. They definitely were tears on his desk. Alex was a little shit.

“You…you fucking dick.” John kicked Alex, twitching his nose and lips a bit. Not with all of his strength, but not exactly weak either. The pair walked slower than usual home. “You could've told me! Sixteen attempts, Alex. Sixteen.” he exclaimed, looking at the other questioningly. Why?

Guilt filled the beautiful brown eyes he'd come to adore. It spread across the face John knew every crevice and dimple of. That was when he knew that leaving to Nevis suddenly wrecked the boy as much as it did him. It was a two way thing.

John’s self-hate levels skyrocketed. Self-hate. He had burnt the journal only to have Alex return and oh God. He let out a sob and turned hurriedly into an alley. He didn't want anyone to see him cry.

  
He sunk to the floor, tugging Alex down with him and hugging the tanned teen closer. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ale-fuck! Fuck, I'm so sorry.” John held the other close, swaying gently and clinging to his jacket, like that'd make Alex never leave again. “Don't le-“ he ground his teeth together, “don't leave me again.”

Alex wrapped his arms around him gently, and John felt safer, hugging him back.

“I won't. I promise you, John Laurens. You shouod not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent. Most people I love wind up dead. You are the closest I have. I like you a lot. So much. In fact, I think you're the dearest that I hold close to my heart."

 


	8. Ch.8- March

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your continuous reads, this is just getting bumpy now. Also I changed the tags because George fucking worked his royal ass in a couple chapters and I kinda owe it to him like he used to rule my country idk thanks

Valentine’s came and passed. It was noted that Alexander got a rose for all of the Schuylers and Maria Reynolds. John found himself longing to receive one, which was when he realized that he loved Alex. Also, that the guy was painfully straight, and a tomcat.

They walked home together like usual, John making his regular noises. “Do you think it's fair for me to wish I was normal?” he rushed to get the words out, a couple of blinks and shoulder shrugs following it.

Alexander stopped their tracks, pressing John to a wall by his shoulders. Was he going to kiss him?

“My dear Laurens,” okay, so no kissing, “I would never, in a million years, nor in a million different galaxies be able to fathom why you'd wish that. You are so spectacularly extraordinary that the very concept of normal is inapplicable to you, and you should never apologise. Be unapologetically guilty of non-normality, it's the greatest thing that could ever happen.” Alex blushed after his little speech, he'd gotten closer through. John loved that blush.

-_-_-_-

[John Laurens, #00025392, weekly three hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]  
THE SEVENTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th March 2017)  
Friends:  
Alex  
Best Friend: Only friend I’ve ever had and ever will have, the most amazing human in the universe who I don’t deserve:  
Alex  
(Here’s my own category. Don’t get butthurt, be happy I still fill out this shit.)  
Romantic interest, possibly requited, most likely not;  
Alexander Hamilton   
Support Network:  
Alex, possibly you if he’s asleep.  
What I like about life:  
Alex  
Why I should live:  
Because I need to plan for homecoming next year, because I’m asking Alex. (It has to be perfect for him.)  
Why I shouldn’t live:  
Because I dump all my problems on Alex and he doesn’t need that  
What I like about myself:  
Nothing much  
What I don’t like about myself:  
Me   
People I look up to:  
Coming back for yet another cameo, Alexander!!!  
What I want to do when I’m older:  
I am going to do Alex

-_-_-_-

“John?”

John rolled over on the mattress, looking down at Alex, who was currently occupying an air bed. He was surprised his dad had let him stay in the first place, but hey, he wouldn't complain. “Hm?”

“Did you know that I'm bisexual?”

Never before had John been so grateful for the lights being off, as his eyes widened so much, and a huge grin covered his face. He was convinced that it was so big it hid all his freckles.

“Uh…” he attempted to play it cool. “Fuc-um. Sorry. Tic. Anyways, no…?”

Alex hummed a little. “I thought I told you. Just slipped my mind.”

Holy fuck was John in for it. 


	9. Ch.9- April

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for 600 reads! Sorry for making you suffer.

“You're such a dick!” John yelled, twitching and cocking his head to the side. “I, fuck! Fuck, I hate you! You fucking dick!” he pushed Alex away. “Why didn't you fucking tell me?!” he looked at Alexander accusingly, panting heavily as he waited for an answer.

He didn't get one. Just a hand running through his chocolate hair, dreamy eyes looking on and a bust nose leaking a string of blood. As if that was bad. John was pretty sure he'd lost a tooth from their fight.

“Because, John…” Alexander took some time to think. It made John ponder. When did they go from my dear Laurens to John? “Because I don't feel the need to involve you in every part of my personal life. Clearly you've been deprived of friends as I'm sure you would've known this otherwise.” the teen sneered. John was speechless, and so ended the argument by flipping him off and wandering home. In his defense, he tried a dramatic exit. It just didn't help that he started sneezing whilst he walked off.

Why did he always push away the people closest to him? He never accepted anything! It was always John Laurens, the lone fuckup of 2017. John Laurens, master of self destruction and hatred.

God he wanted to die.

-_-_-_-

[John Laurens, #00025392, daily three-hour crisis sessions, Dr. Greenway.]  
THE EIGHTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th April 2017)  
Friends:  
Nope  
Best Friend: Used-to-be best friend  
Alex  
Support Network:  
Nobody  
What I like about life:  
Alex  
Why I should live:  
I shouldn’t  
Why I shouldn’t live:  
Because I’m a fucking despicable human that pushes away and hurts everyone  
What I like about myself:  
Nothing  
What I don’t like about myself:  
I hurt Alex  
People I look up to:  
Honestly, you’re boring me now. I look up to Alexander.  
What I want to do when I’m older:  
Marry Alex   
-_-_-_-

You could've told me that you were dating Eliza. JL

It's not of importance to you. AH

It would've been nice to know before I fucking tried to kiss you! In public! JL  
You're a dick. JL  
You're actually the first scientifically recorded case of a human dick. JL

What a well thought out insult. AH

Shut up. I hate you so much. I hate you. I hate your fucking smile. If I never see it again it'll be too soon. JL  
I hate your face and your hair and your personality and everything. JL

I am done with this. Respect my privacy. You decide whether you forgive me or not. I'll be waiting for you, Laurens. AH


	10. Ch.10- May

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the tags because George kind of managed to get in on this fic. Blame the brain. Thank you for reading!

May had always been John’s favorite month. It was that month where thing started to slowly move towards summer and everything was prettier and warm and everyone was outside. He loved May. It was just that in between month of Easter and summer. Everything was always okay in May, and despite conveying his hatred of Alexander in every way possible, he found himself wondering if they'd make up.

That little train of thought didn't last too long, before Henry was yelling for him and John scrambled downstairs. His father wasn't too good with mental illnesses. He was a thick son of a bitch, really, and rarely tried to understand. Unless it was at therapy and they had to wait together: that was when “Senator For The People” mode came out. He shook hands and smiled and always tried to push John’s fucking sexuality into it.

“There's a boy for you.” was the response John got after raising an eyebrow. A boy? People rarely came over. He supposed it could be George. After the thing with Alex, the Brit was quick to dive in and offer tea and consolation kisses and soft words of praise and encouragement that he was better in that gorgeous accent. Just proof that people as messed up as him could still pull a guy. He didn't mind at all, but he knew his dad would, and judging by the tone, it was probably George.

He swung the door open with a wide grin on his face, expecting a regal dialect and kisses all over his face.

Nope.

“What the hell do you want, Alexander?” John’s face dropped, staring blankly at the teen before him. His grin was bashful like always, and the bags under his eyes combined with a little coffee stain led him to believe that Alex had a plan. And hadn't slept until it was done.

-_-_-_-

  
[John Laurens, #00025392, drop-in sessions that must total fifteen hours a week, Dr. Greenway.]

THE NINTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th May 2017)

Friends:  
Alexander

Best Friend: Only friend I’ve ever had, the most amazing human in the universe who I don’t deserve, yet he still forgave me:  
Alex

Support Network:  
Alex.

What I like about life:  
The way Alex looks down all shy when he smiles, the way he laughs really loud before suddenly holding himself back, the way his hair is always so fluffy and messed up, even if he brushes it. How he’s so quiet but can and in fact did beat up bullies for me. How he licks his lips when he’s nervous. That time we fell asleep whilst doing homework on my bed and ended up spooning, and he woke up before me but still didn’t move away. (This turned into what I like about Alex.)

Why I should live:  
To ask Alex on a date  
.  
Why I shouldn’t live:  
Because I don’t help myself

What I like about myself:  
Nothing

What I don’t like about myself:  
Everything

People I look up to:  
Who do you think, honestly?

What I want to do when I’m older:  
Live with Alex  
  
-_-_-_-

The streetlight cast a shadow across the pair, sharing sips of coffee from a thermos flask and watching the sunset. How terribly clichéd. Still, it was better than how they'd fallen asleep spooning earlier, exactly like John mentioned in therapy.

The teen chuckled, leaning against Alex’s side and shaking his head a bit. “I can't believe you.”

“Is that good or bad?”

“Fantastic. You not only managed to find out that my favorite instrument is a viola; but somehow managed to convince Peggy to lend you hers so you could play the score of my favorite film to me.” he laced their fingers together gently, humming it.

“My dear Laurens, I can assure that finding how to play the Jurassic Park theme was not hard in the slightest.”


	11. Ch.11- June

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last time I checked (yesterday when uploading chapter 10) this had 600 reads. Now 800! You guys are the bomb.com!

John was on lockdown. Prison. Three meals a day and privacy in the shower. Henry Laurens was basically a control freak, for short, and was a thick bastard who thought he could punish the illness from his son’s head, scare the gay away. It never worked but still, John was shut down.

All because of Alexander fucking Hamilton running his mouth non-stop. He'd come out with it in front of his dad, asking about his and George’s date, whether George was a good kisser or not, and God, the fucking nerve of some people. Alex knew. He'd been told time and time again to never mention homosexuality at all in front of his dad ever. John had disclosed how his father understood nothing, how prison shutdown style punishments were his go to method of discipline. Meaning he could only go to therapy. No phone, no internet, no books, no nothing. Him and his mind and identical meals each day for the month of his grounding. It sort of went like this.

Breakfast: oatmeal at 6:00.   
Lunch: a ham sandwich and salad at 12:00.   
Dinner: soup with two pieces of bread at 18:00.

Not bad, but John hated it. Henry knew he hated oatmeal, and that he preferred ham salad, rather than a sandwich and salad; and that he hated dipping anything in soup. But…hey ho. That was a punishment.

-_-_-_-

[John Laurens, #00025392, daily three-hour crisis sessions, Dr. Greenway.]  
THE TENTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th June 2017)  
Friends:  
nobody  
Best Friend:  
still nobody  
Support Network:  
Again, nobody on this planet supports me  
What I like about life:  
The possibility of dying  
Why I should live:  
There is literally no fucking reason as to why I should stay on this earth, even my diagnosis was wrong. I can’t get anything right.  
Why I shouldn’t live:  
Because I’m a fucking waste of oxygen that nobody gives even the slightest shit about, not even Alexander  
What I like about myself:  
Nothing  
What I don’t like about myself:  
I can’t do anything right  
People I look up to:  
Anyone who ever killed themselves  
What I want to do when I’m older:  
I’m older than yesterday, so, kill myself.

-_-_-_-

It was the last day of June when John got his phone back. And fuck no, he did not text Alex. He deleted the number from his phone, only after blocking it, and he came damn close to throwing the phone away, despite the isolation that would come. That was when he noticed that his dad had taken the fucking liberty of deleting every male name in his contacts, sans his own. Luckily, the man took zero interest in his son’s life and deemed Lafayette a girl’s name. Laf was in France anyways, and wouldn't reply. But he needed to text someone.

Remember when I tried committing suicide in the toilets? I can't remember if we were friends then. Anyways, I'll tell the story anyways. So it's freshman year, and everyone is already being an ass about my tics and asking why I get to swear and stuff. And also shit was going on at home with my mom leaving and me getting diagnosed with stuff: that was kind of when my dad started being an ass. So anyways, we were doing dissections in bio so I took a scalpel and hid it in my pocket and got a bathroom pass. But then I took ages writing a note on the door with sharpie and the teacher made Washington come find me and basically I was bleeding out. But apparently I freaked and lost a load more blood and I almost died, I was that fucking close but private hospital with Henry Laurens wing and shit saved me. And I was thankful for a bit but now I wish I died again. JL


	12. Ch.12- July

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shiiiit I've totally lost my muse guys it just wandered off! But 1000 reads?!?! Amazing, I love y'all so much and thanks for 100 kudos too! Have another chapter and idek.

Lafayette didn't text back, by the way. John never sent the text. He didn't want his only friend worrying whilst on a different continent. He hit aeroplane mode before it could send. Therapy got worse. All he got was referral after referral, and then a new diagnosis to add to his plethora. Bipolar Disorder I. Nice. SSRIs, nice. Nice nice nice. He fucking hated himself still.

  
Alexander was just at the back of his mind…fucking lies. He was always at the forefront. Everyday. He tried to move on. He asked to change schools but wasn't allowed because of how horrible his track record was. Nobody else would take him . So. July! Great. Vacation and shit, during which he stayed home for his punishment and stared longingly out of his window at the local park where everyone relaxed.

When his punishment ended, he rushed out there as soon as he could to find that nobody would talk to him. He always started shit, he was such a failure. Crappy little no good piece of shit, John Laurens. Even George wouldn't like him anymore. Honestly, he tried getting into his house. He buzzed the gate and he could hear the boy in the background whilst Samuel Seabury yelled down the intercom that he wasn't in. 

-_-_-_-

  
[John Laurens, #00025392, daily three-hour crisis sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

  
THE ELEVENTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th July 2017)

  
Friends:

  
Hey, guess what? nobody  
Best Friend:

  
Same as above

  
Support Network:

  
Same as the above and the one above that 

  
What I like about life:

  
Nothing

  
Why I should live:

  
Because I’m not depressed but bipolar, and apparently that means I should feel better soon?

  
Why I shouldn’t live:

  
I use valuable oxygen that some normal person could have

  
What I like about myself:

  
Nothing

  
What I don’t like about myself:

  
All of me

  
People I look up to:

  
nobody

  
What I want to do when I’m older:

  
Slit my throat and bleed out

  
-_-_-_-

  
Letters always seemed to work for Alex. The master wordsmith extraordinaire. John got pushed into writing one by his therapist.

  
Alex,  
This is it. I've finally broke. You broke me. I tried everything. I can honestly say that I have tried. You ruined me. I can't. You put skittles and M&Ms in with my meds because you loved me, I do it but it's not the same because I hate myself and I can't just take them. I try moving on and I can't because I know that I pushed you away and you were the best person I ever had the fucking honor to meet, and nobody else can even come close to comparing. I try eating in the café at school and it just hurts because there's not a smell of whatever weird flavored tea you're attempting to brew, and no pancakes. Do you know how much it hurt when you'd left, and I had nothing to do? I'd trip and fall and just lie there on the floor with my bruise forming because I had no reason as to why I should have to stand up. I'd play with razors and lie down horizontal as I ate my meagre meals in bed, because at least then I'd have a chance at choking. I've been through hell. You knew how my dad would react. I fucking told you how much of a homophobe he was. And you ruined my life. You don't deserve me at all. I don't deserve to have shit happen to me because of you on top of my already screwed up brain. Maybe you can fix it and we can talk.   
Resident fuck up,  
Laurens. 


	13. Ch. 13- August

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently, you're meant to put on hiatus in a book when you're on hiatus. I didn't know. Sorry! I've been ill a lot and revising and taking exams. But I am back with more George? I was trying something new, so tell me how you liked the first part of the chapter. I swear I'm going to end up writing a fic of him and Seabury. However, I have a stucky/evanstan fic in the works, so if you'd like that, let me know?

 

“I do think you've wrecked it a bit, you know.”

“It's hardly my fault that he came around and you said you weren't in.”

“Well, it's hardly my fault that he gets jealous and angry way too easy.”

Samuel sighed. That was true. George _had_ tried to help Laurens, of course. The boy was just very attached. Clingy to the point that he asked Sam where George was all the time. So George cheated. That was basically it. “To be fair though, babe. You did cheat on him. I'm kind of getting side hoe vibes here.”

George scoffed in that posh, affected way. “Not my fault everyone loves me. I'm British. We're irresistible. Look at the guys from One Direction. And Benedict Cumberbatch. They're all English.”

“True. You know him and Hamilton are a thing now? It's for real. They had a huge fight before because, well. We all know how his dad is like, but they're actually a couple now. It's…sorta nice. You know what I mean?” Samuel couldn't really articulate it. “Like. It's cute. They're both a little weird.”

 

* * *

 

[John Laurens, #00025392, weekly two hour sessions, Dr. Greenway.]

THE TWELFTH LIST THING I GOTTA WRITE FOR THERAPY FOR SOME REASON (14th August 2017)

Friends:

Alex

Best Friend:

Alex

NEW CATEGORY BY ME

Boyfriend:

Alex

Support Network:

Alex

What I like about life:

The way Alexander tells me he loves me, the way he gets all flustered before asking for a kiss, the way his hair is always so fluffy and messed up, even if he brushes it, AND HE LETS ME PLAY WITH IT. How he’s so nice about my tics. How he answers whenever I call him, everytime. How he kept me alive without knowing it.

Why I should live:

Alex loves me

Why I shouldn’t live:

Alex left twice because of me.

What I like about myself:

Nothing

What I don’t like about myself:

I hurt people close to me.

People I look up to:

Alexander Hamilton

What I want to do when I’m older:

Get better for him

* * *

 

“So how do you say I love you?” John asked, brushing a hair from Alex’s face, surprisingly without ticcing. The boy was beautiful. He could write symphonies and libraries on details of his face.

“Te amo.” The voice interrupted his stream of thought, to come back to reality? Was this reality? It had to be, even though being in the same bed as another boy (even in secret) was a dream.

“Te amo. Te amo,” he repeated, jerking his neck a little but kissing all over Alexander’s face nevertheless. John had been on some new medication, one for bipolar disorder instead of depression. It meant that he could go on a trial of some anti seizure medicine for Tourette’s, and it seemed to help. He was still prone to tics, of course, but less obvious ones. “Te amo y lo siento.” He murmured against Alexander’s lips, running a hand through his hair.

“Why are you sorry?” the other sat up, and John looked guiltily at the desk.

“For all my moods. I burned the journal. And wrote you that horrible letter. I was awful to you and I just love you a whole bunch that I need to apologise.” The boy leaned in to hug Alex tight, not letting go as he mumbled sweet promises against the golden tan skin before him.

“John Laurens. _My_ John Laurens. Mi novio. No debes sentirte culpable porque te amo muchísimo y nunca quiero abandonar. Me quedaré.” John felt the promises he’d made being returned against his own skin. It tickled, but it made him feel safe in his own home for once.

“Fu-what does that mean?” he smiled, combing his fingers lazily through Alex’s hair once more. It grounded him, knowing that the other was there and they were together.

“It means that you’re my boyfriend. Which I am eternally grateful for, by the way, as I was considering cat adoption. And you shouldn’t feel guilty, because I really, really love you and I’m never going to leave, I’ll stay.”

"You'll...you'll stay. With me. We can adopt as many cats as you like. And I will take medication and I will stay better. As good as I am now. You'll have to teach me Spanish."


End file.
